So Many Women, So Little Time: The Sexual Politics of Up in the Air and Nine

Hollywood has always been a man's town. Wait, scratch that. Hollywood has always been a middle-aged, upper-class, heterosexual white man's town. It tries to pretend it is diverse and changing with the times but, like Washington, D.C., it is still run by prehistoric white dudes. Not too surprising, I'm afraid, given the content of 90% of the crap Hollywood releases each year. How else do you explain Couples Retreat, a "realistic" movie where bloated and puffy Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn are somehow married to young, thin and gorgeous Malin Akerman and Kristin Davis, respectively? Something is obviously wrong with this and, yet, nothing ever seems to change. Looking at two of the year's Oscar contenders--Jason Reitman's "zeitgeist" dramedy Up in the Air and Rob Marshall's musical follow-up to Chicago, Nine--what stands out is that even the most progressive-appearing of this year's batch of films are still haunted by this male-dominated conservatism.

The fact that Up in the Air is being marketed as a "zeitgeist" film, the film of our times, is both laughable and alarming at the same time. It is laughable because the film's corporate downsizing/unemployment themes become so unimportant by the end of the movie, you barely realize the film has said anything about the subject. That's probably because Up in the Air doesn't. The widely celebrated "documentary" scenes with "real" unemployed people are hackily tacked on for some semblance of relevance that just does not exist. They offer nothing I didn't already glean from Michael Moore's Capitalism: A Love Story and are so disconnected from the narrative they truly make no sense in the context of the film.


I am alarmed by Up in the Air's status as the film of our times because the film treats its main female characters as bad, if not worse, than TV treated women in the 1950's and 60's. When it is busy not saying anything about the recession, Up in the Air follows Ryan Bingham (George Clooney playing George Clooney), an unattached, isolated bachelor who works for a company that fires people, and his inevitable journey toward self-discovery and settling down. Along the way, he meets two women who help him change his lifestyle for the better. The first is Alex (Vera Farmiga), a fellow business traveler he has a one-night stand with after meeting in a hotel. Their relationship eventually blossoms into something where Ryan seriously considers giving up his jet-setting lifestyle and settling down with her. The other woman is Natalie (Anna Kendrick), Ryan's young co-worker who develops a program that further decreases the inhumanity of Ryan's job and threatens to ground him indefinitely. With these two women so vital to the narrative, you would think the film would treat them with more respect than they are ultimately given. For the most part, Alex and Natalie are portrayed as women who have many characteristics of men. Alex, at one point, rather vividly and bluntly describes herself as a man with a vagina. Natalie's introduction to Up in the Air is a scene where she introduces her video conferencing program that allows the company to fire people from the main office instead of in person. She is wearing a boxy, unfeminine business suit and adopts the cheesy mannerisms of a stereotypical 50 year-old businessman, cracking corny jokes and playfully grabbing the shoulders of her boss (Jason Bateman). To top it all off, in their own ways, both women are emotionally frigid and distant: Alex repeatedly insists that she does not want a complicated relationship with Ryan while Natalie is so focused on saving the company money, she does not see the inhumanity of the technology she has created. Normally, this would not be a problem, but Up in the Air feels the need to punish Alex and Natalie for wanting to act like men, pushing this idea that unless these women act like women, they are not truly women until they do. After a film-changing (and narratively ridiculous) twist toward the end of the movie, Alex becomes the villain of Up in the Air. According to the film, she's an evil harpy standing in the way of Our Hero from reaching self-actualization. I'm actually surprised that at no point does Ryan burn an effigy of her to further the point. Since Alex is so incapable of committing to Ryan, an unwomanly thing to do since women are wedding-crazy and solely focused on getting that ring, she must become the villain of the film. Natalie, on the other hand, gradually loses any male traits she had in the beginning, replacing them with softer, more traditional female traits. She gradually abandons her head-strong, businessman persona and becomes Ryan's conscience, urging him to give a chance on love with Alex. Up in the Air seems to suggest that successful females either have to choose between a career and love because women can not have it all. If you're a middle-aged man taking a chance on love for the first time while decrying the heartlessness of modern technology, however, you're off the hook. Puh-lease.


Even if the women in Up in the Air become muddled by the narrative, at least they occasionally appear to be real people (the scene in the hotel lobby between Clooney, Farmiga and Kendrick is the highlight of the entire movie). The same can't be said with the ladies of Nine who are nothing more than shallow, one-dimensional stereotypes parading around the film's soundstage. For a film all about a director whose entire life has been shaped and guided by women, it is disconcerting to find that none of these women are as complex or even interesting as Guido seems to find them. As Nine unfurls, it becomes increasingly hard to believe that anyone would have as many existential crises as Guido does about his wife Luisa (Marion Cotillard) and his mistress Carla (Penélope Cruz). To save time, I'm surprised no one thought to just name these characters Madonna and Whore to make the point even more clear. Think about it: what exactly do we learn about any of the female characters that we do not already grasp from their opening scene? Luisa is a saint for putting up with Guido's shit (although the film forgives Guido because, by golly, he's a hot-blooded Italian artist and fucking multiple people is a part of "being Italian"). Carla loves sex and loves Guido. That's seriously it. 'A Call to the Vatican' is a visual ode to the beauty of Cruz's body, but does not actually say anything about Carla besides she has a nice ass. Lilli (Dame Judi Dench) acts as Guido's conscience throughout the film but, even with the Dench touch, she still does not come across as anything more than a shallow plot device. Claudia (Nicole Kidman) has nice hair extensions. Loren, Hudson and Fergie are in the movie for so little of the runtime they barely register before they are quickly ushered off for more of Our Hero's insufferable suffering. Rob Marshall is so focused on the problems Our Hero faces juggling the numerous women in his life, the women become nothing more than pawns, or even obstacles in some instances, in Guido's journey toward making his movie. Not exactly a commendable attitude for a movie that has been non-stop in its marketing as a movie about all of these juicy, glorious actresses.

Up in the Air C-
Nine C-

Rants on Joshua

I have seen horror movies about murderers, psychotics, rapists, child molesters and other assorted social deviants. Monsters of all shapes and sizes, ranging from tiny bugs to vampires, have appeared before me. I have seen people stabbed in showers, attacked by enormous monsters, become possessed by the devil and catch a quickly mutating zombie virus. Aliens have busted out of guts, faces have been torn off and worn as masks and heads have become completely detached from bodies. I may not have seen "everything" when it comes to horror films, a genre I'm not as proficient in as I would like to be, but I would like to think I've seen a majority of the "types" of scares (whether an evil person, a monster or a psychological condition) horror films offer. I was wrong. One thing I have never seen was a film like George Ratliff's Joshua, a film about the horror of the emptiness and disconnection of today's modern family.

As most movies of this usually white-upper-class-specific subgenre start out, the Cairn family appears to be perfect. Dad Brad (Sam Rockwell) has a well-paying job as a financial analyst, affording his family a comfortable and privileged lifestyle. The mother, Abby (Vera Farmiga), is a stay-at-home mom who cares for her child prodigy son Joshua (Jacob Kogan). As the film opens, Abby has just given birth to a daughter, giving the impression that their perfect family has no become even more perfect with its latest member. But, as you are probably well aware, things are only starting to go downhill for the family. As hackneyed as this opening probably sounds on paper, Joshua quietly begins to play with its ideas about deceiving appearances. While presenting themselves as this "perfect" family, none of the characters seem to really fit or feel comfortable in the world they inhabit. Brad's boss acts friendly towards him, even calling him "buddy," but as the film moves in, it becomes clear that he and Brad do not see eye to eye on very important matters. As Brad's family life continuously grows more complicated and out of control, he is not able to focus his full attention on his work. Brad expects his boss to sympathize with what he's going through. Instead, his boss insists that work will provide a good distraction for him and does not seem to grasp the idea that Brad values his family's well-being over his job. Abby does not fit in with the other mothers at Joshua's school and has no outlets from her family besides her brother. Joshua is so intelligent his teacher thinks he should skip two grades, so it is no surprise that he is a bit of a loner and outcast in his school. At one point, his dad openly admits that he would have picked on Joshua back when he was a kid.

As disconnected from their upper-class surrounding as the family appears to be, they are just as disconnected from each other. Of course, neither Brad or Abby want to admit this to themselves and instead pass the blame on the baby. We are never shown what life is like for the family before the baby is born, but as soon as she comes home, the family and the film itself literally pushes Joshua out of the picture. As the proud parents, along with Brad's parents, fawn over the new baby, Joshua never appears in the same frame with them. Instead, he is always in a separate shot with his uncle, playing around on the piano. Later on, the film uses this technique again during a dinner scene to highlight even further how out of place Joshua is in the family. Ratliff continuously cuts between Joshua's awkward questions and demeanor and Brad and Abby stalling and attempting to find the right answers for his questions.

It is not as if you can entirely blame Brad and Abby for not knowing, at times, how to react to Joshua. He belongs to that beloved movie tradition of child characters who are wise beyond their years and act like mini-adults. Ratliff and Kogan amp up the natural creepiness that child actors possess for the ultimate benefit of the film. Sometimes, Joshua's creepiness serves to show just how empty Brad and Abby have become due to their upper-class lifestyle. When the family dog dies under mysterious circumstances (the film casts suspicion on Joshua but the mystery is never solved one way or another), Brad puts on a big display, sobbing uncontrollably in an exaggerated manner like he's in front of an audience. Joshua sees this and mimics him exactly, showing Brad just how ridiculous and insincere he looks. Other times, his creepiness is just a natural result of his high intelligence. How do you respond to your son when he tells you that it's okay if you don't love him or when he shows you the mummification process on his stuffed panda bear? Joshua's thought process and emotional age is so beyond what Brad and Abby are capable of handling, they truly have no idea what to say to him. This disconnect has gotten so deep that even a "normal" kid question like "Do you ever feel weird?" prompts Brad to mumble some bullshit answer that doesn't even answer the question.

As the film moves on and increasingly strange things happen to the family, all signs seem to point to Joshua. I mean, he's creepy, not exactly warm toward the new baby (video tape evidence of him telling the baby that "No one will ever love him" eventually surfaces) and has the ability to read people's emotions and manipulate them, so he must be the culprit, right? I'm not 100 percent sure. First of all, we never explicitly see Joshua harm anyone. He may say and do strange things, but the camera never catches him doing anything that Brad and Abby accuse him of. Secondly, the faster Brad slips into his increasing paranoia, the more his behaviors become suspicious. He's so convinced that Joshua is the cause of all the family's recent hardships, he literally locks him out his room and the kitchen cabinets, afraid of what he might do next. When Brad brings a psychologist to meet with Joshua and hopefully prove his suspicions, he's so anxious for vindication he practically leers at Joshua across the dinner table. After the psychologist reveals her findings (she thinks Joshua is being severely abused), Brad becomes enraged, convinced that Joshua had the foresight to look online and fake the results of the psychologist's art therapy tests. Eventually, bruises start to appear on Joshua and Brad manically tries to figure out who did it to him. Joshua refuses to answer, which makes way for a neat trick on the narrative's part. Is his refusal to answer an admittance of his guilt--he did it to himself and doesn't have anyone to blame--or is it proof that Brad is abusing him without realizing it? Has Brad descended so far into madness he starts hitting Joshua during hysterical fits and doesn't remember it afterwards? Joshua's silence makes sense since he might be afraid of prompting another attack if he accuses him directly to his face. So what's the answer? Who knows. Ratliff is clever enough to almost directly name Joshua as the bad guy but also sneak in hints that suggest that that resolution may be too clear cut. It's this ambiguity that's most striking about Joshua and will leave you pondering this film for days afterwards. A-

My Films of the 2000's: #60-41

The 2000's officially came to a close a couple of days ago (Yes, the 2000's. I refuse to call them the "naughties." Who the fuck came up with that name?). I've already started counting down the top songs of the decade, but now it is time to get started with the films. Before I begin, I must state that this list is not a definitive list of "bests." I like to think that I have expansive, exquisite taste in movies but when I compare what I've seen to someone like Nick Davis, I realize I've seen almost nothing. I forget that I was young at the beginning of the decade and didn't get hardcore into film watching until at least 2003. There are so many arthouse and foreign films I haven't yet seen there's no way I could compile a decent "best of" list. If I did, I fear it would be full of Eternal Sunshines and Kill Bills that everyone and their mother would put on their list. And if there's one thing I don't want to be, it's boring and predictable. So, in the spirit of originality, I compiled a list of 60(-ish) films that "defined" the decade for me. They may not be the ones that received the highest grades from me and, in some instances, the films themselves are quite terrible, but they're the ones I think about most often and have come to dominate the 2000's for me. Okay, now that that lengthy exposition is out of the way, let's get started.

Oh, one more thing. In two instances (both appearing on today's list) two films have become so intertwined in my head that I combined them together into one entry. And there's one trilogy that I lumped together as well (yes, it's the one you're probably thinking of and not the one on everybody else's list).

60-51

60. Star Trek (2009)
Director: J.J. Abrams
Starring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, Anton Yelchin

The summer action blockbuster, a genre I normally detest with every muscle of my body, done absolutely well. Some people had problems with the sexual politics, but I, frankly, didn't find anything wrong with them (Up in the Air on the other hand...). Instead, I just sat back and reveled in a light-hearted tentpole picture that was actually consistently funny and entertaining.

59. The Hours (2002)
Director: Stephen Daldry
Starring: Julianne Moore, Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman

The Hours prompted my biggest change of heart of any film of the decade. When I first saw it in the summer of 2003, I completely detested the movie (I think I gave it a D+). Meryl Streep was my favorite section and I absolutely adored Nicole Kidman's breakdown at the train station. Years later, I saw the film again and immediately bumped it up to a great-but-still-not-perfect B. Julianne Moore became my favorite section and Kidman's breakdown was a complete embarrassment (she's much better in the quiet moment where she lies in the grass and stares at the camera). This film is the perfect example of what a few years will do to your opinion of a film.

58. 27 Dresses (2008)
Director: Anne Fletcher
Starring: Katherine Heigl, James Marsden, Judy Greer

I have now seen 27 Dresses three times and to this day I'm not quite sure why I keep coming back to it. And talk about flip-fopping! Over the course of 2008, I swear I changed this grade at least eight times, always debating the high points (exceptionally funny cast, James Marsden's face, above-average script) with its weaknesses (occasionally flat dialogue, Malin Akerman). In the end, whatever faults 27 Dresses has don't really matter because if someone asked me right now if I wanted to watch it my answer would be an enthusiastic "Yes please!"

57. In Her Shoes (2002)
Director: Curtis Hanson
Starring: Cameron Diaz, Toni Collette, Shirley MacLaine

One of the best films about sibling relationships I've ever seen. Hanson extracted all the pin-point precise and ultimately beautiful details from the schmaltzy chick lit source by Jennifer Weiner. And if you've ever had any doubts about Diaz's acting abilities, watch the scene where she reads out loud to the man in the hospital.

56. Havoc (2005)
Director: Barbara Kopple
Starring: Anne Hathaway, Freddy Rodriguez, Bijou Phillips, Mike Vogel

An insane, mind-blowing film about the problems and pressures surrounding today's teenagers. Okay, it's not exactly relatable to every teen since it's about rich white kids in a gang and their problems involve scoring drugs from the wrong side of town and getting revenge on a Mexican gang. And, okay, it's insanely bad and racist in ways even The Blind Side can't imagine. But all of that doesn't matter. Havoc is the epitome of 2000's trash cinema and features a fearless, groundbreaking performance from Hathaway (who shows her breasts three times!).

55. Jennifer's Body (2009)
Director: Karyn Kusama
Starring: Amanda Seyfried, Megan Fox, Adam Brody

Bad marketing killed Jennifer's Body, Diablo Cody's first film after achieving fame with Juno, at the box office. The film was marketed as a straight horror movie but it's truly a dark comedy/horror hybrid. I was howling at the excessively fake gore and blood. Seyfried and Brody were brilliant, as usual, and I must give props to Fox since the film didn't make me want to murder her by the end.

54. Far From Heaven (2002)
Director: Todd Haynes
Starring: Julianne Moore, Dennis Quaid, Dennis Haysbert, Patricia Clarkson

Like The Hours, this one took some time to finally "get" and boy am I glad I finally did. A beautiful and fitting tribute to the Sirkian melodrama.

53. 2 Days in Paris (2007)
Director: Julie Delpy
Starring: Julie Delpy, Adam Goldberg, Daniel Brühl

I randomly found this movie on Netflix on Demand and afterwards I was furious that no one I know of had even talked about this movie, let alone recommended it. As a director, Julie Delpy has a great Woody Allen-ish knack for finding humor in the most awkward and degrading of situations. As an actress, she's probably one of the most giving actor-directors I've ever seen. I was surprised by how few of the scenes--if any--revolve solely around her or are simply there just to stroke her ego. Quite simply, 2 Days in Paris is one of the best romances of the decade. Bonus points for Daniel Brühl and his "I'm a fairy" line.

52. Day Night Day Night (2007)
Director: Julia Loktev
Starring: Luisa Williams

Day Night Day Night is not a film for everyone and, at first, I was hesitant about this plotless, nearly dialogueless film about a nameless girl who becomes a suicide bomber for a nameless group with unspoken goals. Finally, about 15 minutes in, the film clicked into place and I was entranced by the slow rhythm of the film and the way the camera carefully observed its surroundings. I honestly believe it was the success I had with Day Night Day Night that allowed me to get through and enjoy Godard's La Chinoise and (especially) Le Gai Savoir.

51. Moulin Rouge! (2001)
Director: Baz Luhrmann
Starring: Nicole Kidman, Ewan McGregor, Jim Broadbent

The moment Nicole Kidman became a star. I think that's something we can all be grateful for. And even if, for me, the ending is a bit muddled and lovey dovey for my taste, the electric musical scenes in the Moulin Rouge are some of the most exciting and alive moments in any film this decade. Bonus points for the 'Elephant Love Medley'--I always sing the Nicole part!

50-41

50. 17 Again (2009)
Director: Burr Steers
Starring: Zac Efron, Leslie Mann, Sterling Knight

Obsessed (2009)
Director: Steve Shill
Starring: Beyoncé, Ali Larter, Idris Elba

I saw both of these movies within the span of a couple of weeks and both 17 Again and Obsessed are memorable for the same (and wrong) reasons. I'm not one to usually shout in the theatres, but I was acting like I had the Spirit in me when I saw these movies. During 17 Again, I swooned and gushed (both the times I saw it on opening weekend) during the opening shot where Zac is shooting hoops shirtless (yes, I am a 13 year old girl). Then, when bully Hunter Parrish punches Zac, I literally screamed "DON'T PUNCH HIM IN HIS PRETTY FACE!" When I went to see Obsessed, I wasn't talking so much as I was giggling non-stop throughout the whole damn movie. As the climactic cat fight came on, I was a goner. As bad as both of these films are, they are the films from 2009 I think about the most, whether it is Efron or Beyoncé's star turns in their respective films, Mann's ability to look absolutely gorgeous and do no wrong in any film she's in or a fond remembrance of my discovery of Sterling Knight.

49. Bug (2007)
Director: William Friedkin
Starring: Ashley Judd, Michael Shannon, Harry Connick, Jr.

Now this is how you do a horror film. Friedkin's take on the paranoia thriller was stuck in my head for days after I first saw it (alone and late at night, I must add). I think what makes Bug a can't miss is the fact that the situation presented in the first two acts is so ordinary that anyone, in the right state of mind, could dissolve into madness and paranoia in the same way Ashley Judd does.

48. Y Tu Mamá También (2002)
Director: Alfonso Cuar&ocaute;n
Starring: Gael Garcia Bernal, Diego Luna, Marbiel Verdú

I need to see this film again for I remember very little about the film itself, other than the moments of passion and the sad, vague feeling about the end of a friendship that dominates the film as it progresses. Oh, and there's that little ole scene where Bernal and Luna have sex that I must have rewound 5 or 10 times. No one said this list was going to be totally classy!

47. Jesus Camp (2006)
Director: Heidi Ewing and Rachel Grady

Literally one of the most frightening experiences I've ever had watching a movie. Jesus Camp is every liberal's worst nightmare: a documentary about a religion that trains their children to become God Warriors at all costs and, ironically, idolizes the way terrorist cells trained the people who ended up flying the planes into the Twin Towers. Scary in theory, piss-your-pants frightening since it is reality. As the film progressed, particularly during the scene where the children are practically heil-ing a cardboard cutout of George Bush, I kept sliding lower and lower in my seat, trying to shield my eyes with the hood of my jacket.

46. Superbad (2007)
Director: Greg Mottola
Starring: Michael Cera, Jonah Hill, Christopher Mintz-Plasse

Teenage heterosexual sex comedies are not normally my thing, but Superbad is more focused on genuine bawdy laughs rather than the same boob and fart jokes over and over again. In a year where something as trite and painfully unfocused as The Hangover got wide acclaim both at the box office and critically, it makes me appreciate Superbad even more. The film may be chaotic, but there's a method to its madness.

45. Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (2002)
Director: George Clooney
Starring: Sam Rockwell, George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Drew Barrymore

In a decade where biopics of varying degrees of suckiness and ineptitude where given awards like they invented movies all over again, it is not surprising that one as fascinating, immersive and, most importantly, fun as Confessions of a Dangerous Mind received very little acclaim or attention when released. I still think it's better than Good Night, and Good Luck, Clooney's best performance, Barrymore's best performance until Grey Gardens, one of Roberts' best post-Brockovich performances and one of the decade's best "star is born" performances from Sam Rockwell.

44. (500) Days of Summer (2009)
Director: Marc Webb
Starring: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel

My most anticipated movie for 2009. I waited for ages it felt like for it to come to my town and when it finally did...nothing. I enjoyed the film quite a bit, especially individual scenes like the foreign film scene, the fantasy/reality party and the musical number, but I wonder if overhyping it in my head knocked this film down a bit. Another viewing is definitely in order soon, but, until then, I'll have to live with my lovely (if not rapturous quite yet) first impression.

43. Shelter (2008)
Director: Jonah Markowitz
Starring: Trevor Wright, Brad Rowe, Tina Holmes

Boy A (2008)
Director: John Crowley
Starring: Andrew Garfield, Peter Mullan, Siobhan Finneran

As you probably know, films about emotionally damaged and/or distant young males are my crack and 2008 offered two fantastic independent films in this minor, often ignored subgenre. Shelter, aka the gay surfing movie, really had no reason to be as good as it turned out to be. The gay ghetto of filmmaking often relies on the same "coming out" crutch in every film, but Shelter deals with other themes besides the inevitable admission of homosexuality (and even that is done simply and beautifully). What I enjoyed about Trevor Wright was that he offered a gay character we haven't seen before--the emotionally closed-off gay--and portrayed it in a realistic, non-baity way. Andrew Garfield, as a young man attempting to move on with his life after committing a horrific childhood crime, has a whole film to carry on his shoulders in Boy A. As far as emotionally damaged boys go, he's up there with Hutton in Ordinary People and Firth in Equus, so I was obviously hooked like a heroin junkie to the emotional journey he goes through. When that great scene at the restaurant came around, I was so attached to Garfield, I nearly mimicked him in his unreadable reaction to the present his girlfriend gave him.

42. Thirteen (2003)
Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Starring: Evan Rachel Wood, Nikki Reed, Holly Hunter

Before Hardwicke's dull and lifeless adaptation of Twilight, she burst on the scene with this scathing look at today's teenagers. The most refreshing thing about Thirteen is the fact that Hardwicke doesn't preach morality or pass senseless judgment on any of the characters, a very uncommon feat in the teen film. Bonus points for being one of the three films one of my best friends in high school (who seriously considered The Beverly Hillbillies movie one of the best she had ever seen) and I ever agreed on.

41. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (2008)
Director: Peter Sollett
Starring: Michael Cera, Kat Dennings, Ari Graynor, Rafi Gavron

A 1930's screwball comedy set in the world of surprisingly non-irritating and unpretentious indie hipster high schoolers. Cera and Dennings have immense charm and chemistry, but its Ari Graynor as Dennings' drunk best friend who steals the show, providing a hilarious new twist on a stereotyped role.

Music Video Iconography of the 2000's

I'm a child of the TRL Generation. Everyday, for years, I would rush right home after school and watch Carson Daly count down the Top 10 music videos of the day. As a result of this, I've seen many videos so many times they have literally become ingrained in my brain. I can recall certain images and moments in the most random of music videos that others have forgotten years ago. It is sad but true. Anyways, with the close of the decade, I wanted to pay tribute to some of the most iconic images from the music videos of the 2000's. Whether it's an outfit, a dance or just a look, these are iconic moments that made me gay, made me laugh and celebrated my love for the artform. How many of these do you recognize?

In rough chronological order...

The Ladies of 2009

A couple of weeks ago, I gave props to the men of 2009. While I'm sure many of you appreciated the eye candy, I think we can all admit that 2009 was all about the women. For better or worse, these six women defined and dominated 2009. So, instead of lumping them with the men, I decided the ladies needed their own post so they could be fawned over and appreciated properly.

I envisioned this post as one of those Vanity Fair covers where seemingly random celebrities, given clever nicknames, congregate in a room in coordinating ensembles. Unfortunately, I don't have a budget and couldn't make it work (Tim Gunn would be so disappointed). I hope, however, that you enjoy what I came up with and will celebrate these glorious women for having a fantastic 2009.

Drew Barrymore
The Actress

Aside from Never Been Kissed, I've never been a big Drew Barrymore fan. That's not her fault exactly, I'm just not big on many of the Romcom Queens like Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock. What they do is all in good fun and, although it doesn't thrill me, who am I to say that they aren't "actors." Having true movie star presence is not something you can learn. If you do have it, it is something to be treasured, not frowned upon and degraded like most people seem to do. Drew has this quality, so I was curious to see how she would handle Little Edie in the made-for-TV movie Grey Gardens. I had never seen the acclaimed documentary or stage show of the same title, but I knew the general gist of the story. It would be an amazing opportunity for Barrymore to prove the haters the wrong, but also a tad perilous since one wrong move and she would be exiled back to doing one Fever Pitch after another for the next ten years. Thankfully, she absolutely nailed the performance, working wonders with an incredibly odd accent that would have tripped up other actors while still more emotionally gripping and compelling than I've ever seen her before. I know you're probably thinking, "She was great in one film, whoop-de-do. Why is she one of The Ladies of 2009?" Let me tell you why: a couple of days after Grey Gardens, I watched He's Just Not That Into You and thought to myself, "Damn, this movie needs Drew Barrymore." I secretly cheered everytime she came on-screen, loving her monologue after a long absence in the narrative about the problems that modern technology has on dating. When I am praying for more Drew Barrymore screentime and seriously considering seeing Everybody's Fine in theatres for her, you know she is having a kickass year.

Beyoncé
The Diva

For a woman who has literally done it all at least three or four times, it was exciting to see B (she's so huge now she only needs to be referred by a letter now!) surprise us yet again in 2009. Riding high on all of the 'Single Ladies' love from the end of 2008, B's big year kicked off at the Oscars. Was she nominated for that elusive statue she's been trying so hard to get? Unfortunately, no. But she was on-hand to take part in one of the best live performances of the year: the "The Musical is Back!" medley with...ummm...come to think of it, who else was on that stage? I can't remember because all I can recall is Beyoncé in all of her diva glory, coyly smiling while launching into a rendition of 'At Last' and launching herself to center stage when 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' came on. Then came the epic film of our times, the movie from 2009 I fondly think back on most often: Obsessed. Without Beyoncé, the film would have been close to unwatchable, but B decides add some, um, class to the film, especially during that epic catfight finale. If you ever wanted to see B headbutt Ali Larter and then drag her across the floor while yelling, "I'ma wipe the floor wit yo skinny ass!" you are in luck! Beyoncé is beyond brilliant in the film, managing to deliver a fantastic star performance in a film that should have been a complete snoozefest. Although not as iconic as 'Single Ladies,' the video for 'Sweet Dreams' became a must-watch literally everytime I hung out with my friends Kelli & Megan during the fall. My favorite bits? The dance breakdown during the "My guilty pleasure" verse and the indescribably weird gold corset/robot scene. I still have no clue what any of it meant but I was enchanted. When September came around, it was time to pick up her VMA's for 'Single Ladies' but I doubt even she could predict the shit that went down around her at the ceremony. The whole Kanye/Taylor feud has been discussed at length all over the interweb, but I just have to say that I loved both B's humility during the whole thing (she allowed Taylor to come up and finish her speech after she won Video of the Year) and her many "Bitch please" looks (as in, "Bitch please, do not get me involved in this" and "Bitch please, you shot your video in a high school?"). Finally, B capped off her year with two collaborations with another one of 2009's biggest artists: Lady GaGa. 'Telephone,' the second single from GaGa's The Fame Monster, hasn't officially been released yet, but it's a surefire hit in the making. Not only will the video be hot, but the song is incredible and B completely dominates her verse; one thing 'Telephone' is surely not is a disastuh. We did get the video for an extended version of 'Video Phone,' and while the song is utter shit that I can't stop listening to, the video is a fun romp of girls, guns and garish colors. Whew. Just listing all of B's accomplishments this year is exhausting. How one woman did all this in a span of 12 months is astounding.

Sandra Bullock
The Pro

Like I said when I talked about Drew Barrymore, I'm not big on the Romcom Queens. Sandra Bullock has been charming audiences for years but outside of Miss Congeniality (I've seen that movie way too many times to count) and Crash I either haven't seen her movies or haven't cared. When The Proposal made a shit-ton of money in June, I didn't really pay attention because the combination of Sandy + Ryan Reynolds + "They've fallen in love, isn't that adorable?" storyline held no interest for me. When previews for The Blind Side came out in September and Adam claimed that Sandra Bullock was an underdog in the Best Actress race, I guffawed at the cheesiness of the movie, Sandy's accent and the craziness of the possibility of her getting nominated. But then something happened and I did a complete 180. Out of nowhere, people started attacking Sandy's performance in The Blind Side and it's inexplicable popularity (the gross is already close to $200 million). So, as with any silly little feud, I had to take a side and I suddenly found myself on Team Bullock before I had even seen the movie. Just the thought of seeing Sandy at the Oscars, giving the middle finger to all the haters when they read off the nominees. Now that I've seen The Blind Side, I can say that even if she won't make my shortlist this year, Bullock deserves her Oscar nom. Sure, she relies on her charming personality, but she also completely nails the bitchy PTA mom part of her character. It may not be Erin Brockovich but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a good time. And at 45, the fact that Sandy is still entertaining audiences and raking in the cash is a nice kick in the balls to all the studio bosses who think actress' careers are over by 40.

Lady GaGa
The It Girl

It is scary to think about, but 15 months ago there was no Lady GaGa. She's become a part of our lives so quickly and so completely that it is hard to imagine a time when she wasn't a prominent feature of the pop music landscape. The greatest thing about GaGa is that she grew leaps in bounds in not just one but multiple ways over 2009. Her most noticeable change was through her music. She started 2009 riding off the success of 'Just Dance,' a simple little ditty about dancing to escape the worries of the day (an appropriate hit during the early days of the recession) and her music only grew more mature and considerably darker as the year progressed. First came 'Poker Face,' a great summer song with its simple hook and breezy message about the duality of sex and sexuality. Then 'Paparazzi' and its dark obsession with celebrity under the guise of a slick pop song. Finally came 'Bad Romance,' the #1 song of 2009 and true emotional epic, and the entire Fame Monster album, a far cry from the sunny and light tracks of The Fame. GaGa also became a legitimate fashion icon in 2009. From the beginning, GaGa was known for wearing odd clothes, often in clear danger of showing her vagina. As the year wore on, however, her choices remained just as weird but became increasingly more avant garde and fabulous. The VMA's, aside from the Taylor/Kanye feud, became all about "What is GaGa gonna wear next?" Will it be a 19th century masquerade ball mask? A red lace crown thing that covers her entire face? Or a cut up 80's wedding dress covered in blood? No one knows and that element of surprise keeps me entertained. The final, and possibly least discussed, reason why 2009 belonged to GaGa was the fact that she has become a gay icon practically overnight. The gays are usually fickle; we have our passing infatuations with celebrities, but once you're in with us, you're in for life. GaGa met some resistance initially from people who thought she was trying too hard to be Madonna, but, eventually, the majority of the gays caved in by the time 'Bad Romance' and The Fame Monster came out. GaGa's one of the few mainstream artists who have openly supported gays right from the beginning, catering to their love of money, boys and fashion and even performing at the big protest rally in Washington, D.C., instead of many "gay icons" who slowly lend their support as their career solidifies. She's here, she's queer-supporting, get used to it America and that's why I love her. If you think GaGa gives a flying fuck what you think about her, then your sadly mistaken. She's a true role model, someone whose attitude we can all embrace to become better and less judgmental people.

Demi Lovato
The Up-and-Comer

"Demi Lovato is pretty good as far as these things goes. She's a decent actress with a better than average voice for a Disney film, but she won't have a lasting career."

Boy, when I'm wrong, I'm really wrong. Back when I first saw Camp Rock, I never thought in a million years I would even think about Demi Lovato after those 90 minutes of pure visual and sonic torture, let alone adore her as much as I do now. She wasn't bad by any means, especially in comparison to co-stars Joe Jonas and Meghan Martin, but I was not particularly impressed. Like most Disney actors, she tried too hard to be funny and whenever a joke fell flat, she simply flashed her enormous smile as some sort of compensation. I wasn't buying it. I gave her first album, Get Back, a chance back in the beginning of the year but it was a bit too Jonasy for my taste (to be fair, I've recently come around on 'Get Back,' 'Lo Que Soy' and 'Behind Enemy Lines). When Here We Go Again came out in June or so, I gave it a shot and wasn't impressed at first. Everything sounded similar to the first album and I wasn't feeling it. Then I listened to it a few more times and became hooked. Unlike many of her Disney contemporaries, Demi can actually sing. I'm not going to deny that some of the Disney starlets have pleasant voices, but Demi's beyond-her-17-years maturity completely blows the out of the water. Here We Go Again is probably my most listened to album of the year and I won't get sick of it soon. Loving her album, I decided to give Demi another chance in the acting field by watching her Disney sitcom Sonny With a Chance. I was instantly hooked. Unlike most Disney shows where the star is the worst actor and least interesting cast member, Demi is actually an engaging personality and continuously improved her comedic chops throughout the season. By the time the episode "Cookie Monsters" (the one where she and Chad compete to sell more Blossom Scout cookies) rolled around in late November, the Camp Rock Demi was nothing but a distant memory. As if this stellar year wasn't enough, she contributed to the Disney Channel's charity single 'Send It On,' an attempt to cash-in on help end global warming. She sang with all of the Disney biggies--Miley, Selena and all of the Jonas Brothers--and, unsurprisingly, she blew them all way. Miley attempted to a sing-off with her at the end, but Demi was like, "Bitch please" and sang one big glory note to prove once and for all who should be the Queen of Disney. If Miley's not careful, 2010 will be the year Demi (rightfully) snatches that crown.

Rihanna
The Survivor

When reports broke that Chris Brown had horribly beaten his girlfriend Rihanna on the eve of the Grammy Awards, I was as stunned as everyone else was. Eventually, however, I turned into a strong black woman, rallying against Brown with an "Oh, HELL no!" How dare this moron beat up our pop princess. While I was preparing a petition to get Chris Brown the death penalty, Rihanna remained mum on the whole situation, much to the chagrin of a number of people (well, some people thought she was a bitch and deserved it, so I guess you can't please everyone). When she finally broke her silence in the fall, the reality became even scarier: if Rihanna, the woman who had spent a majority of 2007 and 2008 dominating the music world, can be abused, it can truly happen to anyone. In response to all the craziness that had gone down in 2009 and her new-found status as a poster child for woman's rights, she released Rated R, a dark meditation on violence, revenge and love gone bad. While obviously not as single heavy as Good Girl Gone Bad, Rated R proved that Rihanna is a true artist capable of intertwining personal situations into catchy, insanely glorious pop songs. That's not easy, my friends, and Rihanna did it with style and class.

Top 50 Singles of 2009

We've come to the end of yet another not so glorious year so what better way to say "fuck off" to a terrible year then to celebrate the best singles of the year. While I've complained throughout the year that 2009 has been a terrible year for albums, the same can't be said for its singles. There were a plethora of fantastic songs to choose from and what a decision it became! Even if the choice seems fairly obviously, it became an epic month-long struggle to choose my number one song; at least seven songs were in contention at some point. And, as the list went down, it became harder and harder to pick what went on and what had to be forced off. In a weaker year, many of my runners-up would be serious contenders for the Top 20. Many thanks to Dave, Kameron, JD and Glenn for continuing to spread the good word of pop music and telling me what to listen to. I hope you enjoy this list and please feel free to let me know what you think.

The 10 Runners-Up: P!nk 'Sober' | Alexandra Burke featuring Flo-Rida 'Bad Boys' | Britney Spears '3' | Kelly Clarkson 'My Life Would Suck Without You' | Leighton Meester featuring Robin Thicke 'Somebody to Love' | Star Pilots 'In the Heat of the Night' | Demi Lovato 'Here We Go Again' | Blake Lewis 'Heartbreak on Vinyl' | Beyoncé featuring Lady GaGa 'Video Phone' (Extended Remix) | Lady GaGa 'Lovegame'

50. Disney's Friends for Change [Demi Lovato, Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus & Selena Gomez] 'Send It On'
The ultimate guilty pleasure of the year. It's so, so bad but so, so good at the same time. If nothing else, 'Send It On' proves that 2009 was the year of Demi Lovato.
49. Cascada 'Evacuate the Dancefloor'
48. Sugababes 'About a Girl'
47. Jay-Z featuring Rihanna and Kanye West 'Run This Town'
46. Cheryl Cole 'Fight For This Love'
45. Jennifer Hudson 'If This Isn't Love'
44. Britney Spears 'If U Seek Amy'
43. Agnes 'I Need You Now' (UK Radio Edit)
The album version was mediocre at best but the radio edit is simply glorious. Let's hope that Agnes' impending US debut makes her as big of a star as she deserves to be.
42. Alphabeat 'The Spell'
41. Shakira 'Did It Again'

40. Dolly Rockers 'Gold Digger'
Have you been Dolly Rockered yet? I know I was the instant I heard this track.
39. Jay-Z featuring Alicia Keys 'Empire State of Mind'
38. VV Brown 'LEAVE!'
37. Cobra Starship featuring Leighton Meester 'Good Girls Go Bad'
I wouldn't have cared if Leighton Meester wasn't featured here. In much the same way Rihanna did on 'Run This Town' and 'Live Your Life,' Meester completely steals the track from Cobra Starship and makes it all about her. If this is any indication, 2010 should be a great year for her.
36. Darin 'Viva la Vida'
35. David Guetta featuring Kelly Rowland 'When Love Takes Over'
34. Röyksopp featuring Robyn 'The Girl and the Robot'
33. Kings of Leon 'Use Somebody'
32. Taylor Swift 'You Belong With Me' (Pop Remix)
31. Erik Hassle 'Don't Bring Flowers'

30. Taylor Swift 'Love Story' (Pop Remix)
29. Demi Lovato 'Remember December'
28. MPHO 'Box N Locks'
27. David Archuelta 'Touch My Hand'
26. Pixie Lott 'Boys and Girls'
25. Mini Viva 'I Wish' (Cahill Radio Edit)
As if the Xenomania-produced wasn't amazing enough, the Cahill Mix turns the epicness of 'I Wish' to 11.
24. Keri Hilson featuring Kanye West and Ne-Yo 'Knock You Down'
23. A.R. Rahman and the Pussycat Dolls 'Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny)'
This was the version that should have won the Oscar.
22. VV Brown 'Shark in the Water'
21. Beyoncé 'Sweet Dreams'

20. Mariah Carey 'Obsessed'
Mariah's dismissal of Eminem was by far more creative than anything Eminem has done in more than five years. "You're a mom and pop/I'm a corporation" is still one of the best insults I've ever heard.
19. Frankmusik '3 Little Words'
18. Girls Aloud 'The Loving Kind'
17. V Factory 'Love Struck'
16. Freemasons featuring Sophie Ellis-Bextor 'Heartbreak (Make Me a Dancer)'
15. Jordin Sparks 'Battlefield'
14. Jonas Brothers 'Paranoid'
The Jo Bros grow up and deliver their cleverest pop song yet. A song about the pitfalls of celebrity that isn't whiny or "oh, pity me and my horrible life" after about thirty seconds.
13. Miley Cyrus 'Party in the USA'
Miley does it again! After the insipidness of 'The Climb,' she came back with this song and proved that she is the go-to girl for turning stupid-sounding lyrics into pop gold.
12. Natalie Imbruglia 'Want'
11. La Roux 'In for the Kill'

10. Jesse McCartney 'How Do You Sleep'
As I said before when I named 'How Do You Sleep' the 82nd best song of the decade, it is the epitome of summer jams. The song's message may not be especially "laid back," but Jesse's breezy delivery makes it feel that way.
9. Lady GaGa 'Paparazzi'
Need more proof that GaGa was the woman of 2009? 'Paparazzi,' a legitimate contender for best song of the year in any other year, is only the first of three GaGa songs in the Top 10. Excessive? Yes. But would the GaGa really have it any other way?
8. Shakira 'She Wolf'
Who else but Shakira would be insane enough to use not only the word "lycanthropy" in a pop song as casually as it was "love" or "heart" but also a wolf howl (a WOLF HOWL!) over the chorus? Bonus points for having the best non-GaGa music video of the year.
7. Little Boots 'Remedy'
It took me awhile to get into 'Remedy,' but once I did, I was addicted like that chick who huffed electronic dusting spray on Intervention.
6. Agnes 'Release Me'
I fell in love with Agnes and her 90's power-pop throwback 'Release Me' at first listen.
5. La Roux 'Bulletproof'
If Agnes brought 90's pop music back, La Roux made 80's synth pop relevant again.
4. Lady GaGa 'Poker Face'
Who knew that "Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-poker face" would be the most addictive hook of the year?
3. Girls Aloud 'Untouchable' (Album Version)
Mark my words: In ten years, after the "OMG what a failure!" hysteria has died down, this and 'Biology' will be the songs Girls Aloud are remembered for.
2. Leona Lewis 'Run'
Technically this was released in the US in December of last year, but it's my list and I didn't discover it until this year anyways.
1. Lady GaGa 'Bad Romance'
Epic. Probably the most epic American song since Celine's 'It's All Coming Back to Me Now.' Lady GaGa already knew how to make catchy simple pop songs, but 'Bad Romance' adds an emotional, almost psychotic, desperation to that final minute that instantly turns the song into a classic. If this is where Lady GaGa is heading in the future, there is absolutely no way I am going to miss out on what she has to offer next.

Rub-a-Dub-Dub, Nicholas Hoult in a Bathtub

Need some help scrubbing your back, Nick?

A Secret Prom?

Sonny: Prom's off everybody.


Tawni: What?! I've been dreaming about being prom queen ever since you brought it up 18 minutes ago!

Sonny: I'm sorry. I tried. I even used the magic word.

Grady: This is just like the puppet show all over again.

Sonny: Guys, nobody's more disappointed than I am.

Nico: You had to ask Marshall.

Zora: Always gotta do everything by the book.

Sonny: Oh yeah, is that what you think? Is that what you all think?

*Everyone nods in agreement*


Sonny: Well, I just checked out a new book. And it's called We're Having a Secret Prom by Sonny Munroe.

Nico: Are you suggesting...

Sonny: Yes, that's right. A secret prom.


Tawni: A secret prom?

Zora: A secret prom?


Nico: A secret prom?

Grady: A secret-

Sonny: Okay, I think we've said it enough times. We're having a secret prom!

Grady: How come you got to say it again?

Sonny: Because I wrote the book.


Tawni: I thought you checked out the book.

Grady: Wait, I'm confused.

Sonny: Okay there's no book, but we're having a prom.

Nico: Wait, a secret prom?

Sonny: *exasperated* Yes. Are we all on the same page?

Grady: Whoa, wait, there's a page?


Sonny: Really?

Otto; or, Up With Gay Israeli Soldiers

Like most minority-driven film factions, GLBT cinema has, for years, been repeating the same stories (coming out and/or being a whore) in the same settings (white, middle-class suburbia or NYC/LA). Every once in awhile, a film or an auteur breaks the mold and offers something different, but for the most part, we are stuck with the same old same old. This is why it is so refreshing when films as unique in perspective and delivery as Yossi & Jagger and Otto; or, Up With Dead People come along to offer something new. Both films may not be perfect, but they should be celebrated anyways.


Yossi & Jagger is an Israeli film from director Eytan Fox about a day in the life of a group of overworked soldiers. The main focus of the film follows the title characters, a gay couple whose relationship is blossoming amid unpredictable surroundings. With a runtime of 64 minutes, the film is forced to move quickly in introducing characters, setting up dynamics and moving forward with the plot. It's a shame since the film spends so much time doing this that it almost ignores Yossi and Jagger. Think about it. Until the end of the film, the only glimpses we get of their relationship are a soft core porn-esque sex scene and an emotionally revealing scene where Yossi admits to Jagger that after their time in the military is over with he can't live openly with him. The problem with this is that the suckerpunch of a tragic ending losing some of its impact since we aren't given a chance to truly know them. I imagine it was budgetary restrictions that prevented the film from being longer (and lent to the film's downright ugly digital video cinematography) so I must give Fox credit for making what does appear on screen work so well. The ending, as is, is devastating. If I had more of a heart, I would have been bawling. But with just a few more scenes between the two of them, the ending could have reached Brokeback levels of devastation. B-



If the tragedy of Yossi & Jagger feels familiar in the gay cinema universe, Otto; or, Up With Dead People, director Bruce LaBruce's "avant fag" ode to the zombie movie, is in the far stretches of said galaxy, so completely alien from anything in existence it is almost unclassifiable. The film is a hardsell to even the savviest of cinephiles and its first 20-30 minutes are an endurance test for anyone annoyed with the endless pretentious babble about the biggies: life, who we are, our place in the world, etc. But if you stick with it and give Otto a chance, the film will ultimately reward you. Eventually, Otto acknowledges that all of its pretentiousness is nothing but a joke, a parody of self-important indie/avant garde films that talk and talk for hours on end but really have nothing to say.

The main character Otto is not your typical protagonist. He's mute and unblinking throughout most of the film and there's the little fact that he's a homosexual zombie with vague memories of his life before rising from the dead. The most surprising thing about Otto is the fact that you care so deeply for this, for lack of a better word, monster. As the film moves on, you realize that Otto is the zombie equivalent to WALL-E: all he wants is someone to love. In a scathing attack on the gay community, LaBruce presents Otto's mates as less emotionally responsive and feeling than Otto. The guy who picks Otto up outside of a gay bar having a zombie-themed party does not care about Otto in the slightest except for a quick fuck. Even after the sex turns violent and Otto leaves the guy a bloody mess all he wonders is if Otto is up for doing it again. And then there's Otto's boyfriend from before his zombification. Throughout the movie, there are flashbacks of the two of them together, giving the impression of a loving and happy couple. When we finally meet him, we realize that Otto's memories are nothing but flashes of a now-dead reality. The boyfriend bailed as soon as things got rough in their relationship (it is revealed that Otto ended up in an institution for some time) and didn't care enough about Otto to help him through whatever he was going through. This realization crushes both Otto and the audience. Okay, maybe just me, but I was initially surprised by how much I cared for this muted and unresponsive person. Then I remembered my love for emotionally damaged and/or distant male characters and realized that Otto is just another facet of this character type, albeit in a vaguely unrecognizable form. And if loving emotionally damaged boys is wrong, Lord I don't want to be right. B