My life is now complete! I got the chance to see the D-List Diva herself live a couple of weeks back. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life! She was in top form and provided some hilarious commentary on the pop culture of today. So, for all of you who are dying to hear what she said (Jill), here's a synopsis of the major topics discussed (And a special thanks to Christi for having such a great memory and remembering a lot of the intricate details of the jokes!):
~First, she talked about this jeweler convention she played at in Arizona. I always love it when she plays corporate gigs and bombs terribly because they are never her crowd and she's always up front about how she's pretty much doing it for the money. So, when she gets there, she finds out that the convention is planning on raising money for a bogus-sounding "charity" called Jewelers for Children but that the children they are supporting are retarded ones in wheelchairs...and some will be in the audience at her show! Now, anyone has heard her act knows that it is not for children so she is trying to edit her jokes to make them somewhat appropriate ("These people do not want to hear about my vagina!"). Well, she expectedly bombs during her stand up and they then tell her that she has to lead a charity auction and they start the bidding at $5,000 a table. Well, half the people have already bolted for the door, but one guy kindly bids $5,000. Out of nowhere, Kathy tells us, she just blurts out "Fuck you- $10,000"....and then is forced to hand over the check to the "charity". At one point, this retarded kid in a wheelchair is brought on stage who can't move or really talk and is whored out by his parents to "speak" to the audience (Sample dialogue: "Say hello Jacob" "Mrrwhhrr").
~Next, Kathy discusses how "MySpace turns people gay." Her loyal assistant Jessica (I wish I could find an assistant that fantastic...) had been talking to this lesbian through MySpace who had been calling her hott and shit. So, Kathy asks her why she keeps on talking with her because she's not gay and Jessica replies back with "Maybe I am!"
~Ooh, I loved this story about her experience at the D-List Emmy's where she was nominated for her fabulous reality show "My Life on the D-List." She knew she was going to lose because she was up against "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" (which I positively hate by the way) and the episode they submitted was about a family who took in children with cancer and then formed a choir with these children. So when they show was announced as the winner (and as the entire crew made their way up on stage) Kathy stood up in her front-row seat and started shouting, "What the fuck?! I was robbed! Fuck you "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition"!" while grabbing her shit and leaving the auditorium. While she meant it as a joke, she got complaints from the Emmy's and Bravo about her tirade.
~Then there were her hilarious stories about her stalking Lindsay Lohan after she was so nice to her when they met the first time. On two different occassions, Kathy approached Lindsay and both times Lindsay gave her the cold shoulder (Oh and Lindsay also happened to be DJing on both occassions- hilarious, I know). Then out of nowhere, months later, Lindsay actually came up to Kathy in a restaurant and started being all nice to her. Weird, I know.
~Kathy loves Sanjaya not because he has any talent, but because he is a comedienne's dream come true. I can see her point, but I still hate his guts.
~Oh there was also this brief discussion of "House of Carter" and what a heroin addict Aaron Carter has become. She described this scene where Aaron is at the doctor's and he's telling him to stop doing drugs but it's edited so poorly that it doesn't really make any sense: "Aaron, you need to stop *surfing*. *Surfing* will ruin your health."
~Finally, there was her story about inviting her parents on Rosie O'Donnell's lesbian cruise where she was the entertainment. The people at Bravo wanted them to be on with her (prompting Kathy to say, "I realize that even on my own show I'm the sidekick.") so she tried to get them to come. But they were not very receptive, and in a five minute monolgue, Kathy recounts her mother's response (keeping in mind that her parents are Catholics): "Jesus Christ Kathy, why would we come on a cruise? Holy Mother of God, your father can hardly move around as it is. Christ on a Cross, Kathy, you know that we can't go on a cruise, etc." Then, Kathy's mother makes the mistake of asking what kind of cruise it is: "A lesbian cruise? In the Name of Christ, why would we want to come on a lesbian cruise?, etc." Oh my God, that whole kept me in stitches for its entire length because it is so true- Catholics take the Lord's name in vain more than anyone else.
I had an amazing time at the show and would recommend to anyone to see get tickets if she comes to your town. I know I will whenever she comes back.