Crazy 80's Project: Withnail and I

Two out of work actors, one a hopeless alcoholic, the other neurotic, both fed up with their squalid apartment, decide to spend a weekend in the country at the alcoholic's gay uncle's cottage. Chaos ensues as they deal with a lack of food, their lack of survival instincts and a surprise visit from the uncle himself. Withnail and I sounds like a "me" movie if ever I've heard one (Alcoholism? Check. Characters failing at life? Check. Clifford from Spice World? Check.). So why am I having the hardest time coming up with anything remotely interesting to say about this movie? Certainly, Withnail and I is clever in its own way, with quite a few amusing bits and a great turn from Richard E. Grant as the alcoholic actor. But everything in the film sort of runs together and nothing truly stands out. It has only been a week since watching Withnail and I, and I can barely remember anything about it. Maybe it's because the film is, in a sense, a comedic take on the British Miserablism film, which I find to be one of the hardest regional cinema subgenres to sit through. For all the banter and gags, Withnail and Marwood are living are extremely desperate, depressing characters sleepwalking through life; it certainly makes Bridesmaids' Annie looks like a winner in comparison.. Perhaps Withnail and I is another one of those films that requires multiple viewings to truly get what is special and funny about it. For now, it's a mildly enthusiastic B-.

My Blog is Ready to Start Kindergarten, or: Rants of a Diva Turns Five Years Old

On this very day in 2007, I was sitting in my dorm room, indulging in my latest obsession: reading film blogs. As a freshman in college, I had quickly learned how to be as unproductive as possible, and keeping up with these blogs was the perfect way to kill time when I should have been writing a paper. On this fateful night, however, a thought suddenly occurred to me: "Hey, I can write just as well as these people. And I have a ton of ideas. Why don't I start a blog of my own?" It was then that Rants of a Diva was born.

And now it's five years later. Wow, where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday I was defending Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls. So, to celebrate this momentous occasion, I have decided to do something a little different. I listed my five favorite things in a host of different, entirely random categories. It's a bit silly, sure, but what do you expect from this oddball section of the interweb? 

EDIT: So it turns out I'm a complete retard and my blogiversary was on the 29th of January. Let's just pretend it's today, okay?

Five Actresses I Can Watch in Anything

01. Bette Davis

02. Anne Hathaway

03. Marilyn Monroe

04. Norma Shearer

05. Judy Garland

Five Favorite Working Directors

01. Arnaud Desplechin

02. Spike Lee

03. Andrea Arnold

04. Judd Apatow

05. Michael Moore

One Direction Members, From Fave to Least Fave

01. Zayn

02. Liam

03. Harry

04. Niall

05. Louis

Five Favorite Classic Boyband Songs

01. O-Town "All or Nothing"

02. *NSYNC "Tearin' Up My Heart"

03. Backstreet Boys "As Long As You Love Me"

04. Take That "Back For Good"

05. 98 Degrees "The Hardest Thing"

Five Favorite ABBA Album Tracks

01. "Disillusion"

02. "As Good As New"

03. "Tiger"

04. "Bang-A-Boomerang"

05. "Me and I"

Five Favorite Moments in Spice World

01. "This dress is dry clean only, Melanie!"

02. The Alien Encounter

03. "AND I'M VICTORIA, MALCOLM!"

04. Mel C. rolling her eyes every time Geri shares some useless knowledge with the group

05. The Bomb on the Bus

Five Favorite Best Supporting Actor Nominees (Non-Winners)

01. Claude Rains, Casablanca

02. Richard Widmark, Kiss of Death

03. Sal Mineo, Rebel Without a Cause

04. Al Pacino, The Godfather

05. Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Five Things I Admire About Lady Gaga

01. The way she makes every music video an Event.

02. How quickly she has matured her sound (even if I don't necessarily like where it has gone).

03. The way she has made the label "pop artist" a compliment rather than a criticism.

04. Her work ethic. Girlfriend never stops doing it all.

05. Her ability to manipulate convince her fans that she has invented many of the elements of her persona that she has borrowed from/expanded upon other pop icons.

Five Reality Shows That Have Had a Profound Impact on My Life

01. Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica

02. Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

03. American Idol

04. Hey Paula!

05. Jersey Shore

Five Favorite Lesbians

01. Ellen DeGeneres

02. Wanda Sykes

03. Tabatha Coffey

04. Jane Lynch

05. Suze Orman

Five Things I Want to Accomplish in 2012

01. Find a job that doesn't make me want to stab people

02. Finish my screenplay (The Single One, coming soon to a theatre near you)

03. Try yoga

04. Interview a celebrity

05. Meet One Direction

30 Day Film Challenge: Day 08

Day 08: The Film You Can Quote Best

Spice World (Bob Spiers, 1997)

I know a lot of gays would pick Mean Girls, and I'm pretty handy with a Mean Girls quote, but there is no question in my mind--or those of the poor souls who have sat through this movie with me--that I can quote massive chunks of Spice World at the drop of the hat. I'm literally speaking along with the Girls, half of the time not even realizing I'm doing it. I'm sure it's pure torture to anyone who has watched it with me, but I can't help these things. I was a gay child and knowing all the words to Spice World comes with the territory.

Because I'm feeling generous today, here's a special bonus clip from the should-have-been Oscar contender Victoria Beckham in this movie:

10 Favorite Movie Characters

A couple of days ago, I whined and manipulated until I got was graciously given a tag to do the Top 10 Favorite Movie Characters meme that's been burning up the interweb of late. The resulting list wasn't as hard to come up with as I originally feared but, to be honest, all I did was go through my DVD collection and just picked 25 characters that jumped out at me and narrowed it down from there. Not much agonizing over here. What I was most fascinated about by my final list was how it was a fairly nice round-up of my two favorite characters: the larger-than-life female and the damaged boy. Hmm....

Let's get started with this before we analyze that to death.

Apologies to the Runners-Up (in no particular order for a solid 25): The Tramp (City Lights), William Canfield, Jr. (Steamboat Bill, Jr.), Lina Lamont (Singin' in the Rain), Effie White (Dreamgirls), Maggie "The Cat" (Cat on a Hot Tin Roof), Erin Brockovich (Erin Brockovich), Go-Go (Kill Bill Volume 1), Sharpay Evans (High School Musical 2), Miriam Aarons (The Women), Bonnie Parker (Bonnie and Clyde), Norman Bates (Psycho), Mr. Aoki (Shall We Dansu?), Grandma with Crazy Pink Hair (Castle in the Sky), Regina George (Mean Girls)

Susan Vance in Bringing Up Baby
Quite possibly the greatest concoction ever to emerge from a screwball comedy. And you have to admire the lengths she goes to get the man she loves; that's what I call dedication.

Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind
She's a survivor, yo. I really wish I had her determination and drive to get everything she wants out of life, even if she has to lie, steal, cheat or kill to get it.

Margo Channing in All About Eve
This is going to be me in 20 years: the grand, aging diva always ready for every party with a martini in one hand and an arsenal of bitchy one-liners for unsuspecting guests.

Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard
She is big, and that's the way I love her.

Antoine Doinel in Stolen Kisses
Most people would pick Antoine Doinel in his teenage years in The 400 Blows, but I like to imagine my Antoine as the happy-go-lucky young adult in Stolen Kisses. It probably doesn't hurt that his character in this film is roughly the same age I am now and can relate to him on a whole new level than before.

Barbara Jean in Nashville
One of the saddest characters I have ever seen in any film. After all of her scenes, I just feel so bad for her I find it hard to concentrate on any other character with the same amount of attention.

Conrad Jarret in Ordinary People
Every time I watch this movie, and it's probably more often than any sane person needs to, I just want to reach out and comfort this poor guy.

Posh Spice in Spice World
Not only do her line readings ring with hilarity, but this character is quite obviously the starting off point for the "Victoria Beckham" character we all love so dearly (or at least I do).

Velma Kelly in Chicago
Fierce, monstrously talented and, in fact, can do it alone- what's not to love?

Robert Ford in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Strangely relatable and, yet again, another character I feel infinitely sad for everytime they appear on screen and feel this uncontrollable urge to just give them a hug.

The Four Things Meme

I saw this over at Stale Popcorn and I thought it would be a quick and fun meme to complete.

FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE
I'm not going to lie...I've only had two different jobs in my life: Sales Floor Team Member and Teacher Assistant

FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Gone With the Wind, Singin' in the Rain, Mommie Dearest and Spice World

FOUR PLACES YOU'VE LIVED
Chesterfield (up through elementary school), Yale (through junior high and high school), Kalamazoo (college) and that's it.

FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH
I really could expand this to 10 easily, but I'll stick with The Golden Girls, 30 Rock, American Idol, Desperate Housewives

FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION
Minneapolis (for the Mall of America), Atlanta (for the Gone With the Wind tourist attractions), Mackinac Island (for the fudge), Six Flags in Ohio somewhere (for the rides and such)

FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY
Facebook (add me as a friend if we aren't already!), The Superficial, Stale Popcorn, Valley Dreamin'

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS
Chinese Food (I can't narrow it down more than that), Donuts, Chocolate, Bagels with Cream Cheese

FOUR PLACES YOU'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW
1. In bed with Zac Efron
2. At the 2008 Oscars, witnessing La Tisdale winning a much deserved Oscar for High School Musical 3: Senior Year
3. On a deserted tropical island, far away from responsibilities and annoying people
4. At a screening of a film such as Rachel Getting Married, Happy-Go-Lucky or I've Loved You So Long, that, despite having been in release for as long as two months in some cases, still haven't come anywhere close to a movie theater in my area.

FOUR BLOGGERS YOU'RE TAGGING
J.D. at Valley Dreamin', mB at A Blog Next Door, Vance at Tapeworthy, Michael at My Stuff and Cr*p

My Best Post Blog-a-thon: What the Christ do Victoria Beckham, The Brothers Jonas and Jean-Pierre Léaud Have in Common?

He Shot Cyrus is hosting the My Best Post Blog-a-thon in which bloggers are invited to share their best or favorite post to entice other readers who may be unfamiliar with their blogs. It's an ingenious idea and when I was invited, I immediately accepted. Being indecisive, however, I had a real problem deciding what was my "best" post. I narrowed it down to three and I'm afraid that's as low as I can go. I feel that these best represent my abilities as a writer and what I try to do with Rants of a Diva: slightly serious but always silly and sarcastic. So, in no particular order, here are my three favorite posts:

Rants on Stolen Kisses
Unlike most of America, I've never succumbed to sequelitis...that is, until Francois Truffaut's sequel to The 400 Blows.

Random Top 10: Victoria Beckham Quotes from Spice World
I'm one of the few who still love Spice World and this is a silly look at one of the most underrated performances of the 90's.

Rants on Camp Rock
I love ripping a new one on terrible movies and Camp Rock is one of the worst of the year.

Random Top 10: Victoria Beckham Quotes From Spice World

My original intention was to write a post to convince my readers (all 5 of you) of the awesomeness of Victoria Beckham's performance in Spice World and why it is completely underrated. But after watching the film again twice on Friday, I've come to the conclusion that Beckham's performance completely relies on her line readings and impressive comic timing.

But it's not as if she doesn't try to suggest otherwise. As much as the script and director Bob Spiers allow her, Beckham uses body language to portray her "character" in the group, the "posh" one who is above this whole singing thing. Right in the beginning of the film, backstage after performing "Too Much," the girls are chatting away while walking down the hallway. Victoria, on the other hand, struts down the hallway like she's on a catwalk in Milan and doesn't carry on with the idle chat surrounding her.


Another great moment is the one shown above. The girls have taken an impromptu boat trip with some young contest winners and are having a rocking good time singing along to "My Boy Lollipop". Everyone, that is, except Victoria. She is so over being on that boat it's not even funny. And no silly pop song is going to get her up and moving like she's a silly 13 year old girl. She's a lady, Goddamnit.

Apart from these few, fleeting moments, Beckham is spent being one of the girls, who in real life she is so obviously above it's not even funny. Like I said, the real centerpiece of this performance is located in the line readings, so here are the 10 best:

10. "Sunday drivers- it's only Saturday!"
Note to self: Don't go out for a drive when Victoria Beckham is driving a bus and in a major hurry. She's has serious road rage issues.

9. "Gosh you're fat."
Even while talking to aliens from outer space, Victoria maintains a high level of tact.

8. "AND I'M VICTORIA, MALCOLM!"
I don't know about you, but this is how I picture myself talking to someone in a coma: loud, obnoxious and so over the top that they would have to wake up and wonder "Who the hell is that?"

7. "Slap me!"
Except for the part where Geri tells a laboring Nicola to breathe and Victoria starts panting heavily, this is her silliest moment. Just remember, she asked for it!

6. "Could somebody please tell me...just what exactly is the dress code here?"
We're confused too, Victoria. This is the gayest club in movies until the one in Dreamgirls where the Dreams perform their version of "One Night Only."

5. "I can't run in these heels."
No truer words have ever been spoken.

4. "And then there's the little Ginger one, full of useless information...about manta rays!"
With any of the other girls, this line would have been butchered brutally, but with Victoria she enunciates it so well that it works (and sets up a pretty funny punch line later on).

3. "This dress is dry clean only, Melanie!"
She's nearly drowned in the river Thames (which I've heard is pretty disgusting) and all she cares about are her clothes...a-ma-zing!

2. "Hold on to your knickers, girls!"
For some reason or another, I find myself saying this on a regular basis. And the funny thing is, no one seems to catch on where I got it from.

1. "I'm not that desperate, thank you."
The Holy Grail of line readings. When I re-discovered Spice World about 2 years ago, and realized the amazingness of Victoria's performance, it was all because of this line. She may have nearly drowned, ruined a dry clean only dress and emerged from the river soaking wet, but she'll be damned if she's borrowing anything from Mel B.'s collection of leopard print tights.

Do you have any quotes from any of the girls that you just can't live without?