Top 20 Songs of 2007: #15-11

15. Eve "Tambourine"
With a fiesty and electrifying single every bit as hot as "Let Me Blow Ya Mind," the Eve comeback should be on its way. So why was this song completely ignored on the radio? And where the hell is her new album? (Listen here)

14. 50 Cent featuring Justin Timberlake and Timbaland "Ayo Technology"
It's possibly the strangest song on the countdown- in a million years, I never would have thought I'd see the day where the totally gangsta 50 Cent and the skinny white boy Justin Timberlake did anything, let alone collaborate on a song, together- but, for some strange reason, it works. I love the way Fiddy utters "50 Cent, Justin, Timbaland" in the very beginning and his first verse flows especially well. (Listen here)

13. Jordin Sparks "Tattoo"
This has to be a mistake- an American Idol contestant who's first single is actually worthwhile? Well, believe it. "Tattoo" is the finest AI debut since Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent." The song is nothing special, but Sparks sings it beautifully and finally proved to me that she was a worthy winner last season. (Listen here)

12. Rihanna "Shut Up and Drive"
With the best not-so-subtle sexual metaphor since Fergie wondered about people going down like London Bridge, Rihanna's follow-up to "Umbrella" is an inspired, rock-heavy to her usual sound and another reason why she had an amazing 2007. (Listen here)

11. Amy Winehouse "Rehab"
She may have just chopped off her famous beehive and has given Britney stiff competition in the "Breakdown of the Year" battle, but Amy Winehouse is a damn good singer and her breakthrough American single "Rehab" is a great way to discover for yourself. (Listen here)

Rants on "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story" and "Juno"

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (Jake Kasdan, 2007): Everything about Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story is just begging for me to love it- a script by Judd Apatow, impressive performances from John C. Reilly and Jenna Fischer and it's parody of musical biopics- but, more often than not, the film ended up bugging me more than amusing me. My main problem was the beginning which, instead of finding a subtler way to mock Walk the Line and Ray, it hits the audience over the head with all the references in a way that makes the later installments of Scary Movie seem sly and clever. I mean, couldn't they have found a better way to kill the "good" son than with a machete? Thankfully, as Dewey Cox becomes famous the film finds its stride with the dead on parodies; the innuendo-laden "Let's Duet," the bad-ass outlaw song "Guilty as Charged," the protest song "Dear Mr. President," and the nonsensical Dylan parody "Royal Jelly" are all highlights. Walk Hard also gets bonus points for the cameos of Jack Black, Justin Long, Paul Rudd and Jason Schwartzman as the Fab Four- that scene was utterly hilarious.

Juno (Jason Reitman, 2007): I'm not going to lie, I was a little worried about the beginning of Jason Reitman's follow-up to last year's Thank You For Smoking, Juno. That phone conversation between Juno (Ellen Page) and Leah (Olivia Thirlby) in which one of them actually utters "Honest to blog?" was a little disconcerting and had me worried about the rest of the film. Fortunately for the film (and Diablo Cody's script) it eases back a little bit and the actors all make it work. Ellen Page is a revelation as the pregnant Juno, her cynicism and quick wit masking a needy girl, and Jennifer Garner finally proved to me what an amazing actress she is- that scene in the mall where she talks to Juno's baby in the womb trying to get it to kick was heartbreaking. And let me just add that Allison Janney totally stole every scene she was in as Juno's take-no-prisoners step-mother (leading Juno to proclaim at one point, "Wow Bren- you's a dick!"

My Ratings:
Walk Hard ***
Juno **** 1/2

Have I Ever Mentioned....

....how much I love Victoria Beckham? Back when I was a wee lad, Emma "Baby Spice" Bunton was my favorite Spice Girl because she was pretty and the closest to my age (only 12 years older, I believe). But now that I'm older, I think I love Victoria more because of her wit and self-deprecating humor (have you seen that great clip on Larry King where some viewer accuses her of always looking miserable because she never smiles and then she "tries" to smile for the camera...I love it!). Plus, she has that fabulous haircut that I loving refer to as the "Victoria Beckham" that I think only she can pull off.

So why do I mention this? Well, last night I had a really interesting dream involving old Posh Spice herself. I was at a runway show and Victoria was debuting her new line of clothes that she designed herself. The people in the audience were buzzing, but then Victoria herself came down the runway and the whole place went apeshit (I think even the judges from Project Runway were there as well, and they even liked it). She came back later on and the audience was ecstatic yet again. After the show, I was with a couple of friends, one of whom was a paparazzi, and we went all around town trying to get shots of Victoria after her hugely successful debut.

I apologize for the randomness of this post, but I just had to share it because...well, it's Victoria Beckham. Enough said.

Ummmm....Cool?

One of these is sexy, the other is Sanjaya.

Top 20 Songs of 2007: #20-16

It's time to start listing my favorite songs of 2007. I know you're totally excited and can't think of anything else you'd rather be doing, so I'll dive right in. Just let me say that I feel less guilty about my picks than I did last year because 2007 had considerably less trashy songs that I thought were amazing. None of the trashy rap songs really caught on with me (a lot of the big ones are on my "Worst of 2007" list) and, Britney aside, none of the pop princesses released anything worth mentioning.

20. Pink "Who Knew?"
I, for one, am glad that Pink is making a comeback. I've liked her ever since Can't Take Me Home but it grew to love with M!ssundaztood, possibly the finest pop album of my generation. So, imagine my dismay when Pink fell off the pop radar for a couple years. But now that's she's back, everything is fine again. I know that "U + Ur Hand" is technically her "comeback" single and as fine a song it is, I really love the the raw emotion Pink pours into "Who Knew?", her most mature song to date. (Listen here)

19. Maroon 5 "Makes Me Wonder"
Come on, you know you love to shout "And it really makes me wonder if I ever gave a FUCK about you" whenever they censor it on the radio. (Listen here)

18. Fergie featuring Ludacris "Glamorous"
I know that "Big Girls Don't Cry" was technically the Fergie song of the year, but for me "Glamorous," with all it's inane lyrics ("Taco Bell, drive thru, raw as hell") and contradictory nature (Take your broke ass home? Thirty seconds ago you just told me you didn't care about money and were still raw as hell) was a much more beautiful disaster. (Listen here)

17. Daughtry "It's Not Over"
His second single, "Home," immediately made him a success with American Idol/adult contemporary audience, but "It's Not Over" is a good old-fashioned pop-rock song that doesn't rely on the cheesy, uplifting message of "Home." (Listen here)

16. Lily Allen "Smile"
Initially, "Smile" sounds like a sweet little love song, but listen to the lyrics ("At first, when I see you cry, it makes me smile) and you quickly realize what an asshole Lily Allen is....and that's why I love her. (Listen here)

Top 5 Albums of 2007

5. Amy Winehouse, Back to Black
All you need to do is listen to Winehouse on "Rehab" and you'll understand what makes the rest of the CD work.

4. Mark Ronson, Version
Normally I hate concept albums, but something about Mark Ronson's sophomore album Version really connected with me. From the sublime cover of Britney's "Toxic" to the double shot of Ronson's muses Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen on "Valerie" and "Oh My God" respectively, nearly every song is a weird amalgamation of electro, soul and hip-hop that somehow blends together and works.

3. Various Artists, Hairspray Soundtrack
Forgive my initial bitching about it- it often takes me many listens for me to truly love an album- because the Hairspray Soundtrack is one of the strongest of the year. Everyone brings their A-game and no song is completely butchered (the only meh song- "You're Timeless to Me"- is still listenable): John Travolta grew on me, his little idiosyncrasies becoming more tolerable and even loveable; James Marsden makes the insignificant role of Corny Collins all the more important with his fantastic and smooth voice; Michelle Pfeiffer lays into "Miss Baltimore Crabs" with all the divaliciousness she can muster; Elijah Kelly hits all the highs and lows in "Run and Tell That"; and newcomer Nikki Blonsky makes such a splash on this album that it's not blasphemy to compare her to J. Hud last year on the Dreamgirls Soundtrack.

2. Britney Spears, Blackout
How in the hell, amid public meltdowns, a high profile divorce, a bitter child custody battle and that horrid VMA performance, did Britney manage to pull of an album every bit as amazing as Blackout? I guess we'll never know the answer to that one, but what we do know is that Blackout is, hands down, Britney's best album to date.

1. Kelly Clarkson, My December
Why is Kelly Clarkson's My December the best album of the year? Because even though it's not compulsively listenable like Britney's Blackout, Kelly Clarkson took risks, pissed people off, alienated fans of Breakaway and American Idol and delivered the most all-around impressive album of the year. All of the songs compliment each other so well that you almost have to listen to the album in track order to get the most out of it.

Supporting Actress Blog-a-thon: Ashley Tisdale in "High School Musical 2"

For my entry in StinkyLulu's 2007 Supporting Actress Blog-a-thon, I chose a performance that you couldn't see at your local megaplex this year. Instead, this lovely young woman was actressing from the edges in the biggest cable event ever: High School Musical 2. You may have heard of it. That guy from Hairspray was in it and that chick who took naked pictures of herself was there too. But the one woman who stole the whole damn show was...

Ashley Tisdale as Sharpay Evans in High School Musical 2

Before I begin, let me just say that this post is in no way a defense of the travesty that is High School Musical 2. The first one was crappy as it is, but had a teensy bit of charm to make up for it. For the second one, it seems no one gave a shit anymore and decided to ride this cash cow for all it was worth. The choreography was stiff, the sound quality of the songs were dreadful (there was no attempt at all to make the voices sound like they weren't done in a studio), most of the songs could have been interchanged with ones from the original (I didn't like "We're All in This Together" the first time, why would I want to hear it reincarnated as "All For One"?) and the story was so contradictory and contrived it's not even funny (Zac Efron's Troy literally says at one point "I don't care about my future, I only care about what my friends think"...what kind of message is this for the tweens watching this?)

The one person to emerge from this car wreck unscathed was Ashley Tisdale. She's the only person in the cast, I think, who understands the whole point of the High School Musical series- she doesn't take herself too seriously and lets loose with reckless abandon all over the film. Tisdale steals every scene she's in with nothing more than a huge attitude, big sunglasses and a mission to land Zac Efron's Troy. If you thought she chewed the scenery in the original, in High School Musical 2 Tisdale doesn't chew the scenery, she devours it, ripping it apart like a savage animal and merely leaving scraps for her fellow castmates.

Now, anyone who reads my site knows about my obsession/fetish with divas. I can't get enough of them no matter how hard I try and Tisdale's Sharpay is easily becoming one of my favorites. One of the finest moments of her performance is, after discovering that her brother Ryan is working with the East High kids on a routine that might beat her in the annual country club talent show, Tisdale, with her lapdog in tote, looks over at the drummer, says "Give me a beat" and struts out of the room to her own exit music. I nearly died when I saw this because having exit music everytime I leave the room is one of my diva wet dreams.

Some of Tisdale's most winning moments come in the musical numbers, which is almost a miracle given the quality of the songs. Her first solo is the number "Fabulous," in which she laments about everything she needs to survive and why people aren't accommodating her every need. There is this tiny little moment during the song where she coos to her brother Ryan and three of her cronies "I need, I need" while drawing them in and then quickly shunning them out, toying with them like the chess pieces they are in the quest to fulfill her needs.

Troy and Gabriella sing the orignal, lame ballad version of "You Are the Music in Me" that I swore was that "Soaring, flying" song from the first film. Sharpay later decides that she needs Troy instead of her usual partner Ryan in the talent show, commandeers the song and makes it her own. He tells her to go easy on him, since he's not used to performing in public, so of course fireworks explode all around them, the music blasts from the live band and three backup singers chime in behind them. The song is supposed to be a duet, but Sharpay, in true diva fashion, manages to upstage Troy; there's no way she's letting a pesky boy get in the way of her shining moment (even if it is the boy she wants).

Since Sharpay is the so-called "bad girl" in High School Musical 2, she has to get her come-uppance. It happens right before her and Troy are supposed to head on stage for the talent show and he decides he doesn't want to do it with her anymore because "his friends are more important." What follows is probably Tisdale's finest moment in the film. Instead of having a massive meltdown, screaming and throwing things like you would expect, she quiets down for the first time and we see the vulnerability behind Sharpay's mask. She needs to perform and be the best in order to carry on, so when this falls apart, she doesn't know what to do. It's a beautiful moment on par with Meryl Streep's and Rachel McAdams' "come-uppances" in The Devil Wears Prada and Mean Girls, respectively.

Ashley Tisdale's achievement in High School Musical 2 is not something to just be dismissed as "over the top" or "good, for a kids movie." It's an ingenious performance that even her castmates try to steal a part of. In the beginning of the film, Vanessa Hudgens's Gabriella approaches Sharpay and tries to out-Sharpay Sharpay by imitating her hilarious vocal warm ups from the first film and then making this really strange war cry to scare her. Tisdale, ever the opportunist, steals the scene back from the lesser Hudgens with her reaction: backing into the locker and making this face that's a mixture between "Evaporate smart person" and "Please don't eat me!" It's moments like these where Ashley Tisdale really proves her worth.

Random Top 10: Things I've Been Doing Instead of Updating

10. Watched a few episodes of Damages
And I'm loving every minute of it. Not only is Glenn Close fan-fucking-tastic (as always) but the show is so addictive I just want to go on a binge and watch the whole season in one sitting. I'm only three episodes in, but it's sucked me in just like Desperate Housewives and Flavor of Love did.

9. Saw both High School Musical and High School Musical 2...again
I am so not proud of myself for this one. I know both of them are complete shit (HSM 2 more so) but they are such perfect movies to sit around with friends and mock for a few hours. Plus, Ashley Tisdale as over-the-top diva Sharpay Evans delivers my new favorite quote in the first HSM: "Evaporate, tall person."

8. Saw Sweeney Todd...and loved it
People aren't lying...it really is Tim Burton's best film since Ed Wood. Johnny Depp was fantastic yet again and Helena Bonham Carter may not have the greatest voice but she understood Mrs. Lovett. And I normally hate kid actors (they're usually so pretentious and annoying that I just want to slap them...Abigail Breslin accepted, of course) but Ed Sanders was a real standout as Toby. Someone sign this kid up for a remake of Oliver!- he would be amazing.

7. Relived the 90's through VH1's Top 100 Songs of the 90's
So I'm only old enough to really remember the music from the last 3 or 4 years of the decade, but it was fun to go back and reminisce on what I could. Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was predictably number one, but I couldn't believe the Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way" was so high (like number three or something). If they were going to pick one, they should have went with "As Long As You Love Me" (which is still their greatest song). And was it just me or was Destiny's Child's "Say My Name" released in 2000? Maybe that's just when I first heard it or something, but that's what I seem to remember.

6. Mourned because the finales of my reality shows came on
America's Next Top Model. I Love New York 2. A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila. They all ended pretty much on the same week and it was quite a shock to the system. I need to find some new ones for the upcoming semester (praise Allah for American Idol, which starts soon).

5. Celebrated Christmas
I got Seasons 1 and 2 of House, the Criterion Edition of Breathless, some delicious truffles and washcloths and handtowels (which I desperately needed).

4. Worked on Year End Shit
My Diva Cup Awards won't be coming out for a few months (I have to catch up on movies) but my top songs and albums of the year are starting soon and should finish whenever I get done.

3. Noticed that the anti-Cotillard faction is starting full-force
I read this review of La Vie en Rose this morning and realized that the Cotillard-bashers are filled with venomous rage at her miracle of a performance and are making the J. Hud haters look like they didn't really give a shit. I guess I'll have to start preparing my defense of Cotillard like I did with my girl J. Hud.

2. Caught up on some 2007 films
Besides Sweeney Todd, I managed to see Away From Her and A Mighty Heart (in which Christie acts beautifully and Jolie ACTS, respectively), Sicko made me angrier and sadder than I've ever felt in a film, No Country For Old Men was breathtaking, but definitely deserves a second viewing (or three), The Lives of Others wasn't as spectacular as I thought it was going to be but it was still a mighty fine film (with a perfectly touching ending) and Ratatouille let me down in so many ways: for me, it didn't work as an adult film (no sly humor and rather aimless) or as a kids' film (no interesting, kid-friendly characters and the subject matter)

1. Working
Ugh, I spent so much time at work I wanted to hang myself. I don't want to get fired for naming names, but the soul suckers at my place of employment had me working WAY too many hours during my break. But now I'm done and can enjoy my last few days.

OMG Jake Gyllenhaal Turns 27!

You all know about my love for Jake Gyllenhaal, so it should come as no surprise that today is a national holiday here at Rants of a Diva. After a Gyllenhaal-free 2006, my Jakey returned in 2007 with one great film (Zodiac) and one kind of sucky film (Rendition, ugh). It was a joyous reunion and I cherished every moment between us. Unfortunately, it looks like 2008 will be Gyllenhaal-less yet again (damn, why can't he be less choosy with his roles?). But after the drought, we will have a Gyllenhaal feast in 2009 with Brothers in which he plays Tobey Maguire's brother and they fight over Natalie Portman (can't wait!) and something known as Untitled Moon Project which is supposed to be directed by Doug Liman (The Bourne Identity, Mr. and Mrs. Smith) and deals with astronauts going to the moon. Plus, he signed on a few weeks ago to play football superstar "Broadway" Joe Namath in a biopic (I smell an Oscar!). I can't wait for all this Gyllenhaal in 2009- I just hope I don't pass out from all the excitement!

I wish my Jakey the happiest 27th birthday!

Best Actress Oscar Contenders: Christie vs. Jolie

Over the past couple of days I have caught up with a couple of Big Names competing for this years Best Actress Oscar: Julie Christie in Away From Her and Angelina Jolie in A Mighty Heart. Both actress are nominated for the Best Actress in a Drama Golden Globe and will be duking it out with Cate Blanchett, Jodie Foster and Keira Knightley.



I saw Christie first, so I'll start with her. While the film was, admittedly, kind of slow and Gordon Pinsett's quiet suffering got on my nerves, Julie Christie was fantastic. Where she could have went loud, overdramatic and "Look at me, I have Alzheimer's!", Christie is subtle but has enough fire that she doesn't become Nicole Kidman in The Hours boring. Even while she's slowly losing her mind, she is just as sexy as she was in Darling 42 years ago- that's something I thought I would never see. My favorite moment of her's has to be when she's watching the news and during footage of the Iraq War she utters, "Have they forgotten Vietnam?" Not only is it a haunting moment in the film, it scares the fuck out of me because even a woman with Alzheimer's can see the problems with the war.


Jolie, on the other hand, wants you to know that she isn't just playing Mariane Pearl, but she is also ACTING. Every gesture she makes, every accented word, every worried expression seems like a calculated attempt to prove that Jolie can act. Even that scene where Jolie finds out the fate of her husband is done more as a showcase for her to show us she's ACTING than because it fits in the film well. Her ridiculous screaming, which goes on for a minute straight, gets so awkward and overly-dramatic that all you can do is laugh at her. I don't know why she's trying so hard because we've already seen her do great work in Girl, Interrupted and last year's The Good Shepherd.

Final Golden Globes Predictions

Well, tomorrow morning bright and early, the Hollywood Foreign Press will announce their nominees for the Golden Globes this year. Here's who I think will be nominated:

Best Picture (Drama)
American Gangster
Atonement
Into the Wild
Michael Clayton
No Country For Old Men
alternate: There Will Be Blood

Best Picture (Musical/Comedy)
Hairspray
Juno
Knocked Up
The Savages
Sweeney Todd
alternate: Charlie Wilson's War

Best Actor (Drama)
George Clooney, Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
James McAvoy, Atonement
Viggo Mortenesen, Eastern Promises
Denzel Washington, American Gangster
alternate: Tommy Lee Jones, In the Valley of Elah

Best Actor (Musical/Comedy)
Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd
Ryan Gosling, Lars and the Real Girl
Tom Hanks, Charlie Wilson's War
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Savages
Jack Nicholson, The Bucket List
alternate: Steve Carell, Dan in Real Life

Best Actress (Drama)
Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie, Away From Her
Jodie Foster, The Brave One
Angelina Jolie, A Mighty Heart
Keira Knightley, Atonement
alternate: Ashley Judd, Bug

Best Actress (Musical/Comedy)
Amy Adams, Enchanted
Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd
Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose
Laura Linney, The Savages
Ellen Page, Juno
alternate: Nicole Kidman, Margot at the Wedding (they do love their Kidman)

Best Supporting Actor
Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson's War
John Travolta, Hairspray
Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton
alternate: Hal Holbrook, Into the Wild

Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett, I'm Not There
Julia Roberts, Charlie Wilson's War
Saoirse Ronan, Atonement
Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton
alternate: Nicole Kidman, The Golden Compass (they really love Kidman)

Best Director
Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood
Tim Burton, Sweeney Todd
Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men
Sidney Lumet, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
Joe Wright, Atonement
alternate: Ridley Scott, American Gangster

Best Screenplay
Atonement
Juno
Knocked Up
No Country For Old Men
Ratatouille
alternate: Michael Clayton or Charlie Wilson's War

Best Score
Atonement
Grace is Gone
Into the Wild
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood
alternate: American Gangster

Best Song
Enchanted ["That's How You Know"]
Hairspray ["Come So Far (Got So Far to Go)"]
Into the Wild ["Guaranteed"]
Love in the Time of Cholera ["Despidida"]
Once ["Falling Slowly"]
alternate: Enchanted ["True Love's Kiss"]

Best Animated Film
Beowulf
Ratatouille
The Simpsons Movie
alternate: Bee Movie

Best Foreign Film
4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days
The Counterfeiters
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
The Kite Runner
Lust, Caution
alternate: La Vie en Rose

These are really nothing more than educated guesses and should be taken with a grain of salt (especially the last four categories). Still not sure about Charlie Wilson's War (right now I have it with three acting nominations but no Best Picture nomination) or the entire Best Supporting Actress (it's not as strong as it could be, but the 7 or 8 choices we have are tough to pick between). We'll see how it goes tomorrow!

I Should Be Studying for Finals...

But this picture of James Marsden is currently the background on my computer and I keep gazing fondly at it. Why do you have to be so damn cute in this picture?

Dame Judi Dench Videos

Kathy Griffin is trying to get off the D-List and thinks that filming a sex tape with Dame Judi Dench is just the trick. Just so you know, it gets a little hot in the end.



At a tribute to Cameron Mackintosh, Dame Judi sings "Send in the Clowns" from Sondheim's A Little Night Music. Definitely the best version I've ever heard.



This is Dame Judi and some random British guy singing "16 Going on 17" from The Sound of Music at a fundraiser. Hilarious!



A scene from Notes on a Scandal. I haven't seen this in awhile and I was a tad frightened.

Random Top 10: Movies That Could Have "Used a Dench"

I spend a lot of time on Facebook, and one of my favorite things about it are the groups you can join. Before their limit became 200 last year, I had been in over 1200 of them. Well, when I downsized, one of the groups I made sure I kept was one called "Yeah...that could use a Dench." It's so genius, I wish I had thought of it. The description of the group is this:

Dench: 1) an extra added something 2) (to Dench) to add an extra something

To become an officer, you have to tell the creator a movie you despised which could have "used a Dench." So, here's my list of ten movies that were in desperate need of a Dench.

10. Field of Dreams
Dame Judi Dench and James Earl Jones...now that's a winning combination. Also, how great would it be to see her tell Kevin Costner to grow a pair of balls after being a complete pussy the whole movie.

9. Step Up
Sure, Channing Tatum was pretty good, but the rest of the film was a disaster. Dame Judi could have saved it (or at least made it watchable) if she had made an appearance as either Channing's grandmother or a dance coach.

8. On Golden Pond
Lord knows I love Henry Fonda, Katharine Hepburn and Jane Fonda, but the story is a complete piece of shit. All Dame Judi could have done to save this film would to tell these fabulous actors not to do it.

7. Ben-Hur (1959)
That chariot race is an amazing piece of cinema, but the other 3 1/2 hours were a butt-numbing mess. Not only would Dame Judi have won the chariot race, but she would have upstaged Jesus' birth- and cut a couple of Romans along the way.

6. Gigli
Do I even need an explanation?

5. Crash (Cronenberg version)
This movie would have been ten times hotter (and ten times more interesting) if Dame Judi Dench had been there to get it on with James Spader- or even Holly Hunter.

4. L'Avventura
If Dame Judi had been on that search, the missing woman would have been found in five minutes flat....and this movie would have been 90 minutes shorter.

3. The Sound of Music
Dame Judi Dench would have been an amazing contrast to the saccharine sweet Dame Julie Andrews. Wouldn't you just love to see a stare-down between these two. Ooooh, I'm getting shivers already.

2. 2001: A Space Odyssey
If Dame Judi was on that ship, there's no way HAL would have went haywire...he would have been too scared.

1. The Hours
I've always hated this movie with a passion. Not only does it waste Nicole Kidman, Julianne Moore and Meryl Streep, but everything is so restrained that what could have been passionate becomes dull and uninteresting. Dame Judi Dench would have spiced things up in the Nicole Kidman storyline by slapping some sense into her and telling her to stop being so goddamn boring.

What is a Dench?, or How I Came to Know and Love Dame Judi Dench

"What is a Dench?"

My friend asked me this after I expressed my love for Dame Judi Dench, legendary British actress of the stage and screen, one night during I Love New York 2. At first I was offended that she didn't know who one of the greatest actresses ever to grace a movie screen with her presence was (she figured it out who she was after listing off some of her most "popular" films: Pride & Prejudice and Casino Royale), but then I realized how hard it is to actually define what a "Dench" is.

My first exposure to Dame Judi Dench came, I believe, in the film Shakespeare in Love. Now, I hate this film with a passion, but I would watch it over and over again to see Dame Judi's inimitable performance of a slightly campy, over-the-top Queen Elizabeth I. Over the years, I saw many of her other performances during her "comeback" period including Chocolat, Iris, The Shipping News and even her supporting performance as Anthony Hopkins' husband in 1987's 84 Charing Cross Road. While three of the four films were utter messes (Iris was the standout), Dame Judi Dench, nonetheless, shone brightly in these films.

My general fondness for Dame Judi grew to obsession/utter fear in 2005 after seeing both and Mrs. Henderson Presents and Pride & Prejudice. It was then that I realized what an appealing combination the warmth, old lady crankiness and divalicious bitchiness she brought to all of her roles was. In Mrs. Henderson Presents, Dame Judi found just the right role for her on-screen persona- a fiesty widow who buys a rundown theater during World War II and starts putting on provocative shows. She spends the whole movie fighting with Bob Hoskins and shocking the people in the film (and the audience) by talking about "pussy" and proclaiming "who gives a fiddler's fuck?" In Pride & Prejudice, she has only a small role, but she chewed that scenery so-well, tossed off bitchy one-liners like they were nothing and showed Keira Knightley exactly who was in charge (She was so good she earned my first Diva Cup Award for Best Diva). It was also then I realized just how scared of her I was. She could cut you down to size and make you feel like the lowest person on earth.

If those two films were the appetizers to my Dame Judi Dench mania, last year's Notes on a Scandal was a freaking Thanksgiving dinner bonanza. Not only was I utterly terrified by her obsessive, slightly lesbianic schoolteacher (I would have peed my pants in fear if Dame Judi Dench was my teacher), but she delivered, from what work of hers I've seen, her finest performance.

I often joke about how Dame Judi Dench isn't afraid to cut a bitch if she needs to. Although I don't think she's ever done it in any film, I think it's a fitting metaphor for her career. Dame Judi never submits to anyone and asserts her independence no matter what. She fights for her rights and doesn't take shit from anyone. Plus, she's a tad outrageous and over-the-top and not afraid to embrace it.

God, I love this woman and I hope you will join me in celebrating the elegant and talented Dame Judi Dench's 73rd birthday today and hope for many more years of acting brilliance.