Idol Gives Back, or: How I Wasted Two Hours of My Life For A Shitty Charity Special

Okay, what the fuck was that "Idol Gives Back" show I watched for two hours last night? That had to have been the lamest, most mind-numbingly boring special I have ever seen. I was bored ten minutes in, but I kept watching to hear the results (more about that at the end). So, to pass the time, I was telling my good friend (and fellow diva) Jill about what was going on (by the way, I am JimmyFromDaBlock):

JimmyFromDaBlock: haha ryan seacrest totally messed up his first line of the night
FirEmbr: lol, american idol
JimmyFromDaBlock: its on for two hours tonight because of their bogus charity thing
FirEmbr: lol....youre an ass
JimmyFromDaBlock: oh no. he just said "the most shocking vote in history". i'm nervous for my blakie
FirEmbr: blakkie?
JimmyFromDaBlock: blake lewis
JimmyFromDaBlock: i'm going to cry if he gets voted off

And so it began. Ryan Seacrest looked totally ridiculous starting completely over and then blaming it on the teleprompter. What a douchebag. Then he said the dreaded words, "the most shocking vote in history." I hate when they say that because that usually means that some great is going home while the shitty singers are left. Ugh.

So some time passes and then I notice someone special in the audience:

JimmyFromDaBlock: haha sanjaya is in the audience
JimmyFromDaBlock: what a loser
FirEmbr: haha...lame

That was a great sight. How quickly they fall. Before I could think of more insulting things to say about Sanjaya, they quickly transitioned into the dreaded group song. This is my least favorite part because they are usually dreadful and nothing ever flows smoothly...and last night was no exception:

JimmyFromDaBlock: oh no. they're doing their group song
FirEmbr: what is it?
JimmyFromDaBlock: i don't know. some song about poverty and suffering that i've never heard before

As this song warbles on, Jill and I keep talking:

FirEmbr: lol...youve gotta be loving this
JimmyFromDaBlock: i'm just waiting for their self-proclaimed "biggest duet in history" or whatever
JimmyFromDaBlock: i'm personally hoping for celine dion and sacha baron cohen (aka borat)
FirEmbr: i wonder how much money they will make
FirEmbr: lol...that would be great
JimmyFromDaBlock: probably an assload
JimmyFromDaBlock: and then they'll do this every fucking year

Yes, they've been ranting and raving about this amazing duet for about a week. Just wait until you find out who it was.

Now Ben Stiller is up, attempting some comedy:

JimmyFromDaBlock: wow, ben stiller is really not funny
FirEmbr: shocking
JimmyFromDaBlock: he did a little skit and it was godawful

I was almost embarrassed for the poor (well, he's stinking rich, but you catch my drift) man and his lame attempt to raise money. He told us he would sing this song until they raised $200 billion (or "200 with 6 zeroes at the end" as he put it and which is entirely wrong) and, of course, he sang it terribly.

After this dark moment, they try to lighten things up by talking about...Africa! Unfortunately, I didn't stick around:

JimmyFromDaBlock: oh they are talking about africa...i'm going to pee
FirEmbr: ok
JimmyFromDaBlock: back...damn it is still on

And, when I came back, they were still blabbing on about it. Whatever.

Some more shit happens (I think Il Divo, but I'm not positive) but Jill and I just talk about "Spamalot" (which is amazing by the way) and musicals.

I walk away from the TV for a bit and when I come back I see something totally random:

FirEmbr: hows ai?
JimmyFromDaBlock: now jack black is up there singing "kiss from the rose"
FirEmbr: um...why
JimmyFromDaBlock: i have no idea
FirEmbr: fair enough

I still have no idea why and or how he got there, but I'm not really concerned. It's probably for the best that I don't know.

Then I get the best news all night:

JimmyFromDaBlock: omg my blakie is safe!

YAY!

JimmyFromDaBlock: i am so happy
FirEmbr: lol...
FirEmbr: youre so addicted to this show
JimmyFromDaBlock: yeah i know, but there are worse things to be addicted to
JimmyFromDaBlock: like crack

Then, they move on to another "heartfelt" moment:

JimmyFromDaBlock: now carrie underwood is singing and touching aids-infected africans
FirEmbr: lol, shes such a peach
JimmyFromDaBlock: yes what a wonderful woman
JimmyFromDaBlock: better her than me
FirEmbr: yes, shes a better woman than you
JimmyFromDaBlock: ummm...thanks?
FirEmbr: very welcome

Is Carrie Underwood still under contract with American Idol because why else would she go over and do that? I hope she got a huge bonus or something. Well, Jill and I forget about American Idol and talk about Britney's hott new body and the amazing Brenda Dickson video from the 80's (post about that soon) and her fabulous diet and fashion tips.

Unfortunately, I tune back in to American Idol at another emotional moment:

JimmyFromDaBlock: oh great. now they are talking about poor, illiterate coal miners in kentucky
FirEmbr: lol

After that gets done, Jill went away to do something, so I had to fend for my sanity alone watching the last hour of this drivel. First up, is all the celebrities inexplicably lip syncing (terribly) to the Bee Gee's "Staying Alive." It's kind of amusing to see Dame Helen Mirren and Future Dame Keira Knightley doing it, but watching Gwyneth Paltrow just made me rather uncomfortable. She looked entirely too awkward and way too in to it.

Then, they cut back to Ryan and Simon in Africa (awww, what a cute honeymoon!) and their direct dealing with a girl (more like skeleton with skin) with AIDS. She's obviously sleeping and comfortable (for the moment) but Simon keeps repeating her name to try to get her to wake up and keeps asking "How are you feeling?" Well how do you think she feels? She's in Africa, has AIDS and is more than likely starving to death. I'm sure she's just feeling peachy. Then, for God know's why, they decide to carry her out of the house and take her somewhere. Why would you move a dying girl when there is nothing they can do. As much as I love Simon, I highly doubt he has the cure for AIDS.

A bunch of shit comes on (except Ellen donates $100,000 which is pretty amazing. I love her.) before Josh Groban sings "You Raise Me Up" with the African Children's Choir. It's touching, I guess, but what bugs me is that the choir is wearing their tradition tribal clothes and seems entirely too obvious. It's like the audience won't understand that they are really African if they aren't wearing those costumes. More shit is plastered on my screen until it's time for "The Big Duet." I'm excited...that's until who I find out who it's with:

Celine Dion and Elvis

I bet you are wondering "Elvis? As in the one who died 30 years ago?" and you would be correct. Using computer generation and God knows what else, they projected concert footage of Elvis next to Celine Dion. And it doesn't even look real at all- the Elvis is all fuzzy and Celine occasionally glances over at "Elvis," but you can tell she is thinking "I'm Celine Dion, for Christ's sake. Why am I up here?" (in a French accent of course). And the audience is clapping and applauding as if Elvis is really back, which prompts me to think "Do they know it's a fake?"

Ugh. After that disappointment, American Idol knows how to get me back on board (slightly, anyways). They show a clip of Madonna in Africa urging people to help the poor starving children, but all I can think is "Oh my God! It's The Madonna!"

Finally in the last five minutes, they get to the results. It's between Chris and Jordin and I'm rather upset because I like both of them (how can Phil be fucking safe?). Finally, Ryan announces that Chris is safe and I'm like "Shit, there goes my prediction." But, just to screw with my emotions (as he often does), Ryan then announces that Jordin is safe as well. Which prompts me to yell, "What the fuck?!" Apparently, since it's the charity show, they didn't want to send someone home, so they votes are carrying over with next week's and two people will go home next Wednesday. At this point, I am pissed beyond words. I watched this entire show...for nothing! What the fuck? I can't believe I wasted that much time of my life watching that shit.

I take some time to cool off and when I come back to my computer, Jill sends me this note that one of her friends had written on Facebook:

FirEmbr: Tonight's Idol they raised money for the needy in America and Africa. I have NEVER been more inspired and touched.. EVER!
I can say that I am truly thankful for everything I have.. including every single overweight pound on me. lol
So I decided that I want to adopt at least 3 of those kids over in Africa..
I feel a little bit better since my family donated towards the cause..
But if you missed the episode- you really missed out on a really inspiring show..

FIGHT AIDS!

There is NO reason for ANY continent, country, city, etc. to be in that kind of condition..!

I am going to do all I can to help out MORE.. and maybe take a trip down to Africa sometime soon..!

Be thankful for EVERYTHING you have..

All I have to say at this point is: Jesus Christ. Some people are so lame.